Do low expectation produce low results?

So I am blaming my lack of posting over the last week an a half on the discussion we had in class about being set up to fail. Ever since that conversation I have not been knitting more than once or twice a week and I have not posted anything. I think I unconsciously decided if I am supposed to fail I might as well go ahead and stop. Obviously flawed logic but surprisingly effective in making me stop. This brings me back to the idea of pressure and expectations. I am not sure what I think about the idea that all stress or pressure is negative. Sometimes I need pressure and expectations or else I accomplish nothing. But too much pressure is definitely not a a good thing. The past two days I have enjoyed waking up in the morning and knitting a little. My scarf is coming along and is about two feet long, maybe a little less. I wonder if setting goals is a bad thing? Or maybe it is just that setting goals is fine as long as you are ok with not achieving your goal but getting closer to it. I have often gone the other direction and resist setting any goals because I do not like it when I do not achieve my goal. I like to just try and see what happens without setting specific goals. But then do I accomplish less because I am not "aiming high". I don't know. I guess the real question is what does success look like to me versus what others think success looks like. Am I ok with personal success rather than what is judged to be success by others.

Pairing Knitting with Hot Tea

Yesterday I decided to pair knitting with my morning ritual of hot tea or coffee while sitting in my living room enjoying the sun coming up. I have been wondering what I could pair knitting with that would help me do it more consistently. I really enjoy the view from our living room that looks out to small rolling hills and green forest behind the intramural fields. I like to wake up and enjoy a few minutes of quiet in the living room with a warm cup of something. Knitting fits well with this because it is also calm and quiet and I can still enjoy the view and be still for a while and enjoy my hot tea. This week I will try this a few more times and see how it goes.

Introducing a new habit for someone like me who does not like to do the same thing twice is quite a challenge. I have been knitting a scarf that is coming along, now almost a foot long. But I have trouble consistently sitting down and relaxing through out the week. I have been thinking about the whole idea of pairing behaviors to increase the likely-hood that I will do it. However, I am not sure what I could pair knitting with? I do like to drink tea in the evening or morning when I wake up so maybe I could pair knitting with sitting down to enjoy a warm cup of tea? Or maybe I could pair knitting with listening to the radio. I tried pairing knitting with watching a movie but that was a no go because I could not look at the TV and pay attention to my knitting at the same time. I am not good enough to knit while looking at anything else yet. I am sure I will get better and knitting will become automatic muscle memory at some point, but for now it requires too much concentration for me to do much else besides sit and think.

Blame Baby

This week my knitting fell to the way side. I blame baby who I sometimes call fetus to the dismay of my family. Some how they think calling a baby "fetus" is gross or something. I think it is funny and it makes me laugh so I continue despite the odd looks. This week has been a strange one. I know that by now it should have already sunk in that I am about to meet my child and be a parent but it has not until this week. I have been avoiding knitting because when I knit I sit and think about all kinds of things. Sometimes fun things, deep things, stupid things, meaningful things, memories, and on and on it goes. This week I was stuck on the idea that I am about to be a parent. Holy shit! and I did not want to think about it too hard an freak myself out so I avoided knitting. Not that it helped me abstain from thinking about parenthood. When I think about what kind of life I want for me I am pretty happy with how things are. I have enough meaningful work, enough people I love and that love me, and enough struggles to keep me grounded about my limitations. I get freaked out with the idea of how to impart to my child what matters most in life. When I think about this class on change and I think about the journey my life has been, the ups and downs, and all the in between, I think about how to empower my child to believe they can change things in their life for the better. I look around and see many unhappy people and I refuse to accept that life has to be this way. I want life to be more for me and for my children. I am in no way under the illusion that life is all peaches. I am unfortunately well acquainted with pain. I think it is only because of some of my deepest valleys that I am determined for those things to not define my life. How do some people decide to defy their bad experiences and others decide to be defeated by them. I know it is not really a choice that is consciously made but more of an unconscious inner attitude. So what about change? How do some people make changes and other people stay stuck their whole lives in the same pattern. Everyone says they want to change and don't like the patterns but instead of changing they self medicate to avoid thinking about the problem. Ok I know I am speaking in sweeping generalizations and should not so let me speak of the people I know, my family. My mom has a mental illness that she has struggled with most of my life. She does not seek to get the help, treatment, what ever you want to call it, to manage her illness so she copes very poorly with her illness and it makes life very hard for her. There is a lot she could do to live a better life but she does not do any of it. I have always wondered what makes her not get help. I know we have been learning about physiology and all that but what about when a person does not believe they deserve to live a better life? Then we are talking about deeper issues of self worth. and sleep and exercise will only get a person so far. Though undoubtedly a person feels better about themselves when they are sleeping and exercising. So I am in a stage where I am about to have my first child and it is making me reflect on a lot of things about my parents and the kind of parent I hope to be. Though the reality is I can only be me what ever that looks like. I don't want my child or children to settle for a crappy life. Maybe I am too idealistic but It makes me sad to see my mom still struggling an no further along. I want so much more for her but it will only change if she wants it for herself. Well that all has nothing to do with knitting but it is what I think about when I knit. Here is a pic of my latest progress. Don't laugh too much at my prego belly ; )