Blame Baby

This week my knitting fell to the way side. I blame baby who I sometimes call fetus to the dismay of my family. Some how they think calling a baby "fetus" is gross or something. I think it is funny and it makes me laugh so I continue despite the odd looks. This week has been a strange one. I know that by now it should have already sunk in that I am about to meet my child and be a parent but it has not until this week. I have been avoiding knitting because when I knit I sit and think about all kinds of things. Sometimes fun things, deep things, stupid things, meaningful things, memories, and on and on it goes. This week I was stuck on the idea that I am about to be a parent. Holy shit! and I did not want to think about it too hard an freak myself out so I avoided knitting. Not that it helped me abstain from thinking about parenthood. When I think about what kind of life I want for me I am pretty happy with how things are. I have enough meaningful work, enough people I love and that love me, and enough struggles to keep me grounded about my limitations. I get freaked out with the idea of how to impart to my child what matters most in life. When I think about this class on change and I think about the journey my life has been, the ups and downs, and all the in between, I think about how to empower my child to believe they can change things in their life for the better. I look around and see many unhappy people and I refuse to accept that life has to be this way. I want life to be more for me and for my children. I am in no way under the illusion that life is all peaches. I am unfortunately well acquainted with pain. I think it is only because of some of my deepest valleys that I am determined for those things to not define my life. How do some people decide to defy their bad experiences and others decide to be defeated by them. I know it is not really a choice that is consciously made but more of an unconscious inner attitude. So what about change? How do some people make changes and other people stay stuck their whole lives in the same pattern. Everyone says they want to change and don't like the patterns but instead of changing they self medicate to avoid thinking about the problem. Ok I know I am speaking in sweeping generalizations and should not so let me speak of the people I know, my family. My mom has a mental illness that she has struggled with most of my life. She does not seek to get the help, treatment, what ever you want to call it, to manage her illness so she copes very poorly with her illness and it makes life very hard for her. There is a lot she could do to live a better life but she does not do any of it. I have always wondered what makes her not get help. I know we have been learning about physiology and all that but what about when a person does not believe they deserve to live a better life? Then we are talking about deeper issues of self worth. and sleep and exercise will only get a person so far. Though undoubtedly a person feels better about themselves when they are sleeping and exercising. So I am in a stage where I am about to have my first child and it is making me reflect on a lot of things about my parents and the kind of parent I hope to be. Though the reality is I can only be me what ever that looks like. I don't want my child or children to settle for a crappy life. Maybe I am too idealistic but It makes me sad to see my mom still struggling an no further along. I want so much more for her but it will only change if she wants it for herself. Well that all has nothing to do with knitting but it is what I think about when I knit. Here is a pic of my latest progress. Don't laugh too much at my prego belly ; )